So Much for Senioritis

Wake was Thurs, funeral on Fri. We left school at 9:30 on Fri, and most of the senior class was at the funeral. It was nice to see everyone come out. We went to lunch afterward (although the family invited everyone to the luncheon, we wanted to get out of the church), but we didn't feel like going back to school, so we wandered around downtown Naperville.

Erica and I did some shopping therapy later. Usually I equate shopping with pain, but we had fun. We tried on a bunch of dresses, looked for legal uniform shoes (do I even bother at this point?), and didn't buy anything.

...and there's about 8 inches of snow outside! Terrible pity it couldn't be on a school day so I could sleep in. Stupid weather makes roads bad when I want to go somewhere farther away than normal. I felt so... young getting dropped off at Fermilab by my dad.

Went to Barnes and Noble to get books for this semester... it took me and the clerk guy about an hour to find everything. So much reading; I am going to be so busy this semester! Wait, isn't senior year supposed to be easy? What about senioritis? No fair!

R.I.P. ... so damn young

So today was interesting... slept in until noon, watched movies with Talie, etc. Nasty email from my mom: "So help me, if you don't get in or don't get a scholarship because you didn't complete the applications or send things in on time, you will have a miserable summer. Forget the rest of Fermi, GS camp, etc. You'll be working the max hours at Dominicks and walking."

And then at about, eh, 8:15 I get a phone call from Megan.

Andy Mueller died sometime this weekend. We don't know any details.

So that's one of those "holy crap" moments. Wait, he's a senior, in my class, holy shit. He's dead.

Colleen G. called too. (Our whole Benet everyone-knows-everyone's-business thing, unofficial phone tree I guess.) I don't think I've had a conversation that was so much "oh my God," "holy shit," "what are we supposed to do?" and various curses.

It's weird when you think about it. I mean, it's not like we were really good friends, but I've talked to him a few times and he's really a nice guy. And he's dead. A senior in high school, 18, and he's dead. About 4 months to graduation and he's dead. I mean, like gone.

I saw him the week before finals and he looked alright, mostly. I mean, yeah, he had his cane, but that was normal. He didn't look like he was going to die.

Shit.

And suddenly, my problems don't seem so terrible. At least I'm alive.

Oh my God...

I feel really bad for his family and his best friends. I would totally suck to clean out his room.

That's so damn young.

How are we supposed to react? What do we do?

Kinda puts life in perspective. Every moment of life is valuable, even when it sucks. Remember that.

Tough Questions

I think the last post (Curses!) was supposed to be published a couple days before it actually was. I wonder how that happened. Whatever.

So life has improved a little. Top 5 events (chronologically):

1. Finals went OK, mostly, except for A.P. Bio because about 1/2 the test was photosnythesis and I didn't study that much. So unless I managed to guess right 96% of the time, my grade is going to drop. Damn. Here's hoping for a big curve. Also, I did really well on the IML math competition. The one I got wrong was stupid of me, but whatever.

2. Recycling club, Benny, Alumni! Benny the school dog continues to be cute, although he drives Mrs. Mertz crazy because he prefers crumpled up wads of paper and empty plastic pop bottles to his expensive toys. Yay for lunch at Panera and I love Benet alumni!

3. Chichago Shakespeare Theater is the coolest! Measure for Measure was hilarious, and they did a great job with it. Mr. Stracco even managed to seperate me from my parents early, so they hung out with the teachers and I got to hang out with my friends and mostly ignored my parents. (My parents like Mr. T and the Schacts.)

4. Visiting Fermilab. Friday, I went into Fermi with my mom to talk to a bunch of physicists. (Dad skipped out at the last minute.) They managed to quell some of my parents' fears about physics and jobs and such. It's a pity dad wasn't there, though, so he still thinks I'll be living in a cardboard box.

5. Saturday Morning Physics rocks! (I was allowed to use the car to go.) The talk was about particle detectors and then they walked us through the accelerator. They didn't go into the nitty-gritty stuff; I know that's really complicated, but I kinda wish they would have. But then, I think that would take way longer than a couple hours to explain, too. Oh well. It was still really cool.

And questions (feedback welcome, comment, phone or email):

1: Where do I work this summer?
Do I apply for an internship at Fermilab? That would be cool. At the same time, I kinda want to work at camp. I love camp. But then, at Day Camp, there was a lot of politics going on last year that hadn't been there before, and camp was still fun but not as fun as in the past. At either of those jobs, I would have to live at home.
Or I could be a counselor at Resident Camp. (Both camps are Girl Scout camps.) At resident camp, I wouldn't know anybody to start off, but I would be living in Wisconsin and not at home. I like camping, too so that would be fun. The only problem is that I would live in East Troy, WI from June to mid-August, and come back just in time to move out to college. Conflicting desires here. I can get out of my house right after graduation, but then I wouldn't see friends or anyone in Illinois for a long time. Do I leave home a couple months early or not? Resident camp also means very little computer (Day Camp I come home most days), so that would be really limited contact with anybody. I suppose there is always snail mail and cell phone... well, I don't know here. I guess making tough decisions is part of getting old. Shoot.

2. College... where...
I'm worried, and a little confused (so many different opinions... I need to visit again). I think I'm just not going to deal with this one until they make me send decisions May 1. If difficulty occurs, procrastination is always a good option.

Well, I certainly had fun playing with colors. Sorry if this is obnoxious to read. =P

Curses!

Well, Goddamn me.

 

I finished the damn Wash U app, even though I don't want to go there. My mom was watching the whole damn time (really annoying) and freaking out on me and being paranoid that I'm trying to sabotage the whole thing. Bitch.

 

So they still won't send in the (refundable) deposit on U of I housing. Nope, not until Wash U scholarship is in. Damn them.

 

I should get more joy out of finishing an app than this. I guess not; I'm only REALLY damn pissed. Damn it!

 

So then I was sitting at the kitchen table filling out scholarship stuff, and she accused me of doing a poor job intentionally. Goddamn her.

 

And oh I'm "just like Monica Nanda. To a 't'!" Goddamn her! What the hell.

 

My dad swears he's going to write a letter to Fr. Jude saying Dr. LeCompte "turned me against them." Well, shit. Why do I always manage to cause so much trouble? How did I screw up this time? I really don't want to drag him down with me...

 

I'm such an idiot, I don't even know where to begin.

 

I think this is the kind of shit that pushed me to that "incident" last year. Do you guys know about that?

 

I'm very vulgar today. Screw it, I guess. I'm pissed off, stressed, and worried.

 

And you know what? I haven't even started studying for my damn finals yet because they've been making me fill out this damn app for this damn school I don't want to go to. Shit.

 

Sincerest apoligies to anyone reading this.

Queen

Exam prep day today, got a ride from Talie. Good stuff. Made up a Spanish quiz, dropped stuff off to teachers for that school, etc. Got kidnapped by Erica to BK where we got Big Kid's Meals and sat in the restauranut playing with our Dora the Explorer toys. I made everyone get and wear the crowns. Whoever at BK came up with the idea of paper crowns was a genius. (Photographic evidence included...)

Freaked out to Mr. Kohne, who says that Benet gets lots of complaints, so nothing bad should come of anything. That's good.

I love Benet and my friends. You guys rock.

Here we go...

As it turns out, yesterday was just the calm before the storm.

Saturday Morning Physics started today, but I didn't get to go because they won't drive me anywhere, ever, including school now. DAMN! Their threat is that if I can't get a ride to and from school, they're pulling me out of Benet and putting me in Waubonsie. I really doubt that's going to happen; I think I can get a ride, but the threat really makes me angry. I don't want to go to that hell. I love Benet.

Erica called today asking if we could be roomies at U of I. Sure, that'd be awesome because room and board stuff can go in with a refundable deposit. I may or may not end up there, but if I do, I'm gonna have the coolest roomie ever!

So my parents and I were trying to figure out meal plans (they said they didn't care what dorm I was in), and that's when it all got bad. They were yelling about Washington University in St. Louis's app, even though I don't want to go there because their physics program isn't really that great. So of course they started yelling and whatnot, and of course the whole car thing came up. They won't even pay the deposit on U of I until Wash U is in. (They originally said until I got into Wash U.) Damn them.

So they yelled about how Wash U was a great school (which it is, but not in physics), I'm not going to see MIT even if I get in, etc. Dammit, they only hate MIT because Dr. LeCompte went there. What the hell is their problem? My dad went to a men's health seminar today at church, and said that there was a guy named Sullivan sitting next to him. (I know the guy's son.) Both his son and daughter are at Wash U. and love it and got partial scholarships. Apparently, he's taking this as a sign from God that I should go to Wash U. That's total crap; I don't think God really cares where I go to college.

They're at cards at a friend's house now, thank God. I can't take them, really. They want me to do business or something other than physics, because I'll need to go to grad school and get a Ph.D. to do physics, and then they say I'm not going to make enough money. They want me to do business or something that I can get a job in after four years. Sorry, I don't want a shitty job that I hate. I don't need to be rich. I don't need to have what they have. I want to like my job: it's important to me that it's interesting, engaging, and constantly challenging. I love math and science. Physics is both. So what's their problem with physics? It's MY life, after all, right?

Dad says I'm going wherever is cheapest, even if it's C.O.D. or DePaul. That would suck; it would be a total waste of everything.

Mom keeps saying I'm "exactly like Monica Nanda," her co-worker's daughter who is a "screw-up." Really, I thought we were totally different people, and I'm sick of hearing how she's watching fail, just like Monica Nanda. Damn her, I'm not Monica, and last I checked, I wasn't failing! I got a damn 1600, is that failing? I get good grades, is that failing? I'm the president or captain or leader of just about every damn extracurriculars (which, by the way, are different than Monica Nanda's but nevermind that), is that failure? Why isn't anything ever good enough? OK, my room is messy, does that make me a failure? What did I do?

Dad was yelling that I'm never going to have any friends or get out if I go to U of I because I'm antisocial. Apparently, he hasn't talked to me in four years, because I've changed. At school, I have a bunch of people that actually care about me. If I look like I'm having a bad day, a bunch of people (students and teachers) will ask if I'm ok and if I want to talk and if I need a hug. I told dad that. After we were done arguing, he saw me crying while looking for something, and in a mocking tone said, "Oooh, do you need a hug from one of your friends?" I got really mad. I said "Screw you! Excuse me for having friends!" and left. He didn't say or do anything. Maybe he realized what a jerk he was for saying that. Seriously, he's 45, I'm 17. Isn't he the one who's supposed to be mature?

During Christmas break, dad was yelling at Madeline and said she "was a waste of a human being." (Her grades were bad.) Mom told him not to say that. A few days later in Buffalo, though, she was yelling at me and called me a "waste of a human being." That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard; there's no such thing as a waste of a human being. Plus, it totally makes her a hypocrite. (Hypocracy is one of my biggest pet peeves.) Still, it makes me so mad.

So of course the college yell bridges into the car yell. It was an accident, but they talk like I meant to. They keep yelling that I'm irresponsible and I don't care and I don't appreciate anything. (Last I checked, I appreciated a lot of stuff, but I guess what I think doesn't matter.) They swear they're going to "make me see how good I had it." Well damn. I think life is really going to suck until I get the hell out of here.

8 months until I move to college (if I'm going at all now).

Alright, I'm out for now. I'm worn out. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Crash

So, today I just got into my first traffic accident.

I was driving down Maple from school, and the guy in front of me was turning into the nun's house down the street. Unfortunately, I was having contact problems and didn't see until it was too late. I slammed on the breaks, but hit him anyway. His car has damage to the spare tire on the back and the bumper. My car's front is all smashed up. I'm totally at fault because I rear ended him.

Luckily, when the Lisle police came, it was Officer Smith, who subs at Benet, so it was alright. I didn't have my license (of all the days...), but since he knew me, he just looked it up. Thank God. And the guy I hit's sister graduated from Benet last year (I knew her from cross country, small world, well, maybe not because he's a Benetian too...). Regardless, they didn't press charges.

We dropped the car off at the repair place. This is gonna be bad.

My parents are being really calm about this. They've established that I will be responsible for paying for damage (basically the insurance deductable for both cars) and the increase in insurance premiums.

I wasn't expecting calm from my parents. I'm not sure if they intend to be rational about this or if this is just the calm before the storm. Here's hoping it's not the latter.

Defenestration

Word of the day:

Defenestration: the act of throwing something out a window

I finished my college apps (MIT and U of Chicago). I like both schools, but I think it's going to come down to finances. Damn money.

Parents were being nasty again. Jess is having a party, and I'd like to go, but no, not until apps are in (which makes sense), but now it's too late. I guess I'll just watch Simon Birch for religion extra credit.

I think I'd like to defenestrate mis padres. Wishful thinking.