Adulthood

I’m almost a legal adult. Frightening. Really.

Anyone who says I’m an adult is wrong. I’m not an adult at all. I’m just a scared little kid who’s pretending.

Love

I love people. I love being near people, around people, with people. I love talking with people, trading thoughts and ideas and values and experiences and lives. I love laughing, joking, tickling, hugging. I love the painful feeling you get when you’ve laughed too hard for too long.

I love being alone. I love the silence. I love dancing around the house when no one is watching and no one cares. I love running in the rain and screaming at the top of my lungs when no one can hear me. I love sitting on the roof when the whole world is sleeping and looking at everything below me and at the stars above me. Then, I feel alive.

I love early mornings, especially in the middle of summer in the woods. I love the way the air is cool and crisp and the way it feels fresh and clean in my lungs before it has been polluted by the cars on the road or tainted with the smoggy humidity of the day. I love the clean feeling that overtakes the world. I love hearing the birds sing and chirrup.

I love the day. I love the sunshine; I love running around in the grass and laughing at the world. I love lying in the grass and smelling the sweet air and the grass.

I love late at night. I love the darkness that covers, disguises, and deforms everything. I love how the woods come alive at night. I love how all senses are heightened. I love how I can hear everything.

I love rainstorms. I love the tremendous thunder. I love watching the lightening in its strikingly beautiful violence. I love the drumming of the rain. I love the feel of the rain against my skin. I love to throw my head back against the pounding droplets and laugh to the sky.

I love music. I love hearing it, making it. I love to sing when there’s no pressure, when no one cares how great your voice isn’t. I love to dance when no one’s watching. I love to lie back and absorb the music. I love calming down because of music, energizing because of music, changing because of music, understanding because of music.

I love this crazy, cold, beautiful world.

I know love.

Math makes State!

Well, math team regional today. The team did AWESOME, better than ever before. Props to Kerry, Liz, Matt, Dave, Raf, Ryan, and all the frosh. Personally, I sucked. Actually, let me clarify. I would have sucked, but I managed to mess up my answer sheet, so I REALLY sucked. And don’t try to deny this; the numbers are on my side.

On the bright side, we made it to state. (I need to do a bit of work before then. Wish me luck with that...)

Ditching school

So, yes, I'm home right now and the rest of the little Benetians are at school. Ha!

I'm doing really bad about being in school lately. Yesterday, I was on time to 1.5 out of 8 classes, and I ditched Spanish completely. (HOWEVER, I did have a pass from Mrs. Brown to do that--I needed to get all the Presidential Scholarship stuff put together. I was going to go to class for like 15 minutes, but Mrs. Wright caught me with questions for the guidance counsellor par and then I had to go hunt down Mr. Kohne. It's all rather silly when you consider that I'm not even going to get that scholarship. HA!) And my tardy to 3 classes was due to the scholarship stuff... give me some credit...

And then today... I was finishing the poetry paper. I was going to go in to school, but after I missed Discrete math, there was really no point of going in. Fruit fly cleanup in bio (we just have to finish sterilizing the vials), lunch, gym, english. So one real class wasn't really worth the drive to Benet.

Does this preempt any "where were you?" calls, email, or IMs? Probably not. But it was worth a try.

Listing Life

Is it sad if I can sum up life in a simple list?

Life sucks because...

So damn much to do.
A.P.E. paper due Thurs; I have to analyze a poem and write like 4 or 5 pages. Shoot. I hate poetry and over-analyzing english. Religion mentor paper. Normally, mentor=someone who encourages you, but no, not in the Benet religion department. I need to find someone to ask questions like "what role has sex played in your marriage," and "what do you think about premarital sex?" Unfortunately, most of the adults I trust are male, so I need to find a female to have an awkward conversation with. Presidental Scholarship crap needs to get done; it's got to be there by thurs, so it needs to be in the mail by monday. Shoot! I have to figure out tax forms soon. Throw normal homework, a couple big tests, and a math team regional on top of my parents' demands and everything else and you've got one stressed out me.

I suck lately.
I offer as evidence:
-My AMC score. Yeah, it sucked, way lower than last year, and I didn't qualify for the AIME this year.
-My last math test. I screwed up=95%. Stupid mistakes, grrr!
-My last bio quiz. Nothing makes you feel like shit like a 27/40. OK, so I didn't study, and she drops the lowest quiz of the semester, but that really sucks.

School sucks.
Normally, I love school; it's probably one of the best things in my life. But lately, it sucks. My classes are mostly boring, and even my math class (Discrete Math) is a little boring and not all that challenging. I mean, the teacher is AWESOME, but I'm a little bored. Bored with school in general.

Turnabout.
=stress and lots of things that need to be done. I don't really want to go, but I'm going with a friend, so I guess it will be fun. Let's hope, anyway.

Soap opera social.
Especially with Turnabout, ¡dios mio! But really, I guess it's kinda how some stuff seem funny how everyone is tangled up and whatnot.

Lack of car.
It's hard getting around, I can't get to chorus on time so I have a 33%, and I feel like an ass making everyone go out of their way to drive me everywhere.

I can't fix these problems.
When I have a problem, I fight until I fix it. But it's hard to sit back and watch a friend struggle with a problem I can't fix for her. All I can do is be there when she needs to talk.

Parental Control.
I'm almost a legal adult, and I'm moving away where they have NO control in about 6 months. Could they give me a little trust? Why are they paranoid about a college visit?
On the upside, we rarely speak anymore, so whatever.

Senioritis.
Yes, senioritis has struck. I just don't want to do boring stuff. I'm sick of doing work, I'm sick of not sleeping, I'm sick of trying to be perfect, I'm sick of everyone's expectations and always failing to meet expectations, I'm sick of being.

Life rocks because...

Science Alliance
Prospect Mini-Regional today. OK, our events sucked (7th, 9th, lower not totally sure of place), but the team (the people) is awesome! It's interesting hanging out with guys all day, especially if you're 'one of the guys.' Oh, and I'm going to get mono from pasta ;) oh man, good times.

Fruit Flies
It's sad when breeding Drosophila melanogaster for genetic stuff in bio makes the list of good things.

...thinking.... there's got to be something more...

My friends rock
Seriously. I love you all, thanks for being there.

Alright, enough of this teen angst bullshit. I'm so whiny. Sorry, I'm just sick of pretending everything is good and happy. Oh well, whatever, it's not important.